do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
