i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
