The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
