maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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