the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
