dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
