I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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