Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
