Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
