Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
