theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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