Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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