I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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