Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
