I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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