I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
