i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I forget how to act sober
Randomize