Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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