I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
whose parrot is this?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
