I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm at about main and main street
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
