Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
