it wasn't lemon gatorade
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
