Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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