I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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