He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize