my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
