I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
