I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
