he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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