I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
