So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
