I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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