I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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