I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
