You're my little dorito
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just want nice things and good sex
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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