I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It's just like the Real World with babies
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
