I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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