That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize