i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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