I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
