Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
