the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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