so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
