Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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