So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
