hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
