I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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