I could have mohawked her pubes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
