Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
