Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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