You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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