I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
