she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
